Best parenting approaches in divorce: Co-parenting vs. Parallel Parenting

Written By Rebecca Cohen

Ending a relationship is never easy, particularly so if you and your ex have children together. Not only are you faced with having to separate assets, finding a new routine, and potential legal battles, but you’re also likely wondering how to parent your children with your ex amidst all this change—especially if there is a high level of conflict present. Parenting is complex and nuanced, and without strong intention throughout the separation process, can cause additional psychological damage to your children. This article will discuss some of the different parenting approaches that can be used during divorce. The language of separation and divorce will be used interchangeably to note that each situation is unique, with some parents seeking divorce, while others may be dissolving a romantic relationship or partnership. Furthermore, this article is intended for educational purposes and is not intended as a replacement for therapy.

Co-parenting is the most used and known term when discussing how to parent in divorce. Essentially, co-parenting is sharing the duties of raising a child, which can occur within and outside of marriage. Both parents are jointly involved in their child’s upbringing. Successful co-parenting involves substantial positive interaction between both adults so that the child does not feel the need to “choose parents” or act as a middleman. Successful co-parenting, or cooperative co-parenting, requires a great deal of work, insight, reflection, and repair to create support for each parent and child. If there is conflict, parents can resolve that conflict on their own or with a therapist, leaving the child out of the dynamic. This style of parenting in separation can be highly beneficial, as the child’s emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual needs are placed first.

However, conflicted co-parenting is much more common. It’s characterized by conflict or emotional reactivity, where parents struggle to disengage with previous wounds, power struggles, and/or personal pride. Understandably, it can be difficult to separate the injuries that occurred in the relationship from the dynamics occurring in divorce; even more so if there are current legal litigations. Unfortunately, children in this kind of system often experience increased mental health distress due to the nature of pervasive conflict, instability, and feeling the need to choose or mediate between parents.

A lesser-known style of parenting in divorce is parallel parenting. This style of parenting is most effective in high-conflict divorce situations that struggle with any type of resolution. In parallel parenting, the parents do not attempt to jointly raise their children. This results in lower conflict due to decreased communication and less joint coordination of childrearing. Independent, separate rules exist at each house and communication between parents only occurs in necessary situations, usually through written format. While children can initially struggle with this kind of dynamic, they eventually learn to accept the different structures at each house, just as they learn there are different rules at school, church, etc. Furthermore, the decrease in parental conflict allows them increased structure, stability, and feelings of safety. Both parents will need to agree to disengage with one another, as engaging could result in creating or resuming conflicted co-parenting.

Determining which style of parenting to practice is highly dependent on what is realistic and possible for your situation. Sometimes cooperative co-parenting is unattainable or not recommended based on your specific situation. Regardless, individual therapy for you and your children, or even engaging in uncoupling therapy in an effort to move towards cooperative co-parenting, can be highly beneficial. Life is not without hardship, and helping your children navigate this hardship will help them develop resiliency and fortitude. Children are smart and can easily feel unspoken tension, even if they don’t have the language to fully understand what is happening. It is always okay, and sometimes necessary, to reach out for support for yourself or your child. If you need assistance in addressing some of these issues with your child, consider seeking therapeutic support to approach difficult topics in a way that your child can developmentally understand. Remember to leave the adult issues (e.g., child support) to the adults so that your kids can continue being kids.

 

Sources

Written by Talysha Rubey

Published on October 29, 2022

Rebecca Cohen
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